three in the morning productions

mon coeur l'hiver

I'm reading "Cry, the Beloved Country" by Alan Paton, and then after that, hey, I'll spend my time reading some more. Might as well while I'm living out they rest of my days shut up in my room and away from the world.

I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking to be understood--although there have been people who came quite close but damn, always fell short somewhere. There's not much I can do for other people right now. Because...

I cannot save you, I can't even save myself. Save yourself.

I've almost forgotten... it's Christmas--tomorrow? No, maybe the day after. I'm very seasonal, can't you tell. I haven't bought gifts for anyone because I'm a little broke right now. But besides that, there's absolutely no Christmas spirit happening here. Our usual tree was replaced for a smaller one and left to be decorated by a fifteen year old boy. He strung christmas bulbs with silver ornaments and golden tinsels. Whenever I walk by, I shield my eyes because it hurts to look. There are no presents under the tree either since my parents decided that their Christmas party should be sufficient for all our Christmas jubilee. I rather resent them for it... but who am I to do anything about it? I've locked myself in my room and I've supposedly stopped caring about what happens in this house because I don't live here... I'm only occupying a prison cell. I'll have to endure it, for just one more year. And keep in mind that that's not even a guarantee for whatever will happen after.

I'm tired of winter. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm always so morbid these days and so angsty. And I fucking hate it.

But what are you gonna do about it?

12.23.02 - 2:46 p.m.

	mon coeur l'hiver I'm reading "Cry, the Beloved Country" by Alan Paton, and then after that, hey, I'll spend my time reading some more. Might as well while I'm living out they rest of my days shut up in my room and away from the world. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking to be understood--although there have been people who came quite close but damn, always fell short somewhere. There's not much I can do for other people right now. Because... I cannot save you, I can't even save myself. Save yourself. I've almost forgotten... it's Christmas--tomorrow? No, maybe the day after. I'm very seasonal, can't you tell. I haven't bought gifts for anyone because I'm a little broke right now. But besides that, there's absolutely no Christmas spirit happening here. Our usual tree was replaced for a smaller one and left to be decorated by a fifteen year old boy. He strung christmas bulbs with silver ornaments and golden tinsels. Whenever I walk by, I shield my eyes because it hurts to look. There are no presents under the tree either since my parents decided that their Christmas party should be sufficient for all our Christmas jubilee. I rather resent them for it... but who am I to do anything about it? I've locked myself in my room and I've supposedly stopped caring about what happens in this house because I don't live here... I'm only occupying a prison cell. I'll have to endure it, for just one more year. And keep in mind that that's not even a guarantee for whatever will happen after. I'm tired of winter. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm always so morbid these days and so angsty. And I fucking hate it. But what are you gonna do about it? 12.23.02 - 2:46 p.m.