three in the morning productions

let grow

Let me tell you why I hate this diary. There's no one holding a gun to my head, nothing edging me off a bridge. But nonetheless, I am compelled to obsess. Yes, obsess. Little things, you know, just ordinary details in your day that you go over in your mind, you pick at, turn over... then you think over all the things you could have said, all the things you could have done instead of this or that--all the should haves and what if's and it just DRIVES YOU PLAIN FUCKING NUTS because there's not a FUCKING THING YOU CAN DO to go back and change what you've already FUCKED UP. Well. This diary encourages that exact kind of messed up thinking. And I figured, keeping a diary can help me grow as a person. Introspective reasoning, psychoanalyzing, dissecting and whatnot. You know? I can pin down all the bad things about me and formulate how I'll root them out and build on/over them, improve, sculpt, structure, realign myself whatever whatever. The thing is though, while that can be a good thing, it's all that's kept me from LIVING. Overanalyzing can kill it. Just live and let live. That was what you couldn't understand. You were incapable of planting the seed of good things and bad things and letting it grow into all the beautiful things. Instead, you kept digging and digging. You killed it. And when you read this diary, I think you'll know who you are. I like my insightful nature, it's one of the better things about me, one of the things that I think is worth saving about me--that's a good thing. Because there's not a lot of things in me that I can say that about. I don't wanna lose my ability to think emotionally (I'm also liking the paradox there), but I think I can let it grow by... just living. And that's what I'll do. I'll live.

.....

and come back on this diary... And tell you all about it....

/fuckme

05.04.03 - 10:16 a.m.

	let grow Let me tell you why I hate this diary. There's no one holding a gun to my head, nothing edging me off a bridge. But nonetheless, I am compelled to obsess. Yes, obsess. Little things, you know, just ordinary details in your day that you go over in your mind, you pick at, turn over... then you think over all the things you could have said, all the things you could have done instead of this or that--all the should haves and what if's and it just DRIVES YOU PLAIN FUCKING NUTS because there's not a FUCKING THING YOU CAN DO to go back and change what you've already FUCKED UP. Well. This diary encourages that exact kind of messed up thinking. And I figured, keeping a diary can help me grow as a person. Introspective reasoning, psychoanalyzing, dissecting and whatnot. You know? I can pin down all the bad things about me and formulate how I'll root them out and build on/over them, improve, sculpt, structure, realign myself whatever whatever. The thing is though, while that can be a good thing, it's all that's kept me from LIVING. Overanalyzing can kill it. Just live and let live. That was what you couldn't understand. You were incapable of planting the seed of good things and bad things and letting it grow into all the beautiful things. Instead, you kept digging and digging. You killed it. And when you read this diary, I think you'll know who you are. I like my insightful nature, it's one of the better things about me, one of the things that I think is worth saving about me--that's a good thing. Because there's not a lot of things in me that I can say that about. I don't wanna lose my ability to think emotionally (I'm also liking the paradox there), but I think I can let it grow by... just living. And that's what I'll do. I'll live. ..... and come back on this diary... And tell you all about it.... /fuckme 05.04.03 - 10:16 a.m.