three in the morning productions

hiiru no tsuki

I'll do it. I'll fucking jump. I swear to God.

But even as I stand at the edge, peering below at the yawning, dark unknown that could take me down on another path--a path that could give me happiness, I'm still holding on shakily. Skepticism and cover-ups are my lifelines. In recklessness, I make the move to jump; in panic, I pull back, racked in gasps and curses.

It seems that I can't be cured of me, after all.

~Am I ugly? I have to be
-No.. you're beautiful.

Lying stretched across my bed, I stared up from beneath my window at the withered branches splaying across a colourless sky. A little from the blood rushing to my head, more from the song that drenched the room in its poignant sway, I felt hazy, floating...

~I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

I'm sure I had another one of those faraway look about me again.

~Hiiru No Tsuki is such a beautiful song. This is the song I'm going to fall in love with.

The song, with its words that I could not understand, but it moved me to weep, and I felt as though my tears could rain up.

-You make me so happy.
~Then I must be doing something wrong

I want to make others happy, but not at the cost of making myself happy.

-Why can't you take me seriously? Is it my personality you find childish and incapable of serious thought?

What was it in me that could be stirred so much by this song? This serene feeling... tell me, what's the word people use for it? I lay unmoving, even at the sound of the door opening and someone stepping into my room. Such a warm feeling... tell me, what's the name that people give to it?

~It's in the way you seem to hold me in such high esteem... I can't understand it

Enveloped in the haziness, I didn't even move to protest when the volume was turned down. Lying there with my hands folded neatly over my chest, doubtless I looked like a corpse to my little brother who stood gazing at me for a moment. A chance for him to speak out his mind and he took it. "You're so weird!" Inside, I laughed.

-That's simple. I love you.

Because in truth, I'm typical.

~That! I don't understand that!

I've always delighted myself with the belief that I'm so profound, so intellectually mature. Emotionally however, I'm so callow.

-It's not something to be understood... I could try and articulate the "how's" and "why's", but I don't know that you'd believe me even then. Or that I could do the feelings themselves justice with mere words.

I want to believe. I want to walk on water. Levitate by Faith.

-Just accept... there -is- someone, somewhere, who loves you deeply and wants nothing so much as to see you happy and content for all of your remaining years.

Instead, I am fettered to my fears.

~Change of topic!
-Can't handle real human emotions? I'll not speak of them again.

What is wrong with me? Wasn't I supposed to be Miss Wild Thing? Free and daring. I had almost finished sorting through the tangle that was my emotions and now--

~So I can't! So I'm a coward! So what? It's not your concern if I decided that I shouldn't be loved

And now, what was this new complication, what's this new monstrosity?

~I don't deserve even your friendship
-You do deserve it... you deserve that and much more. But what's the use in my telling you that? You have to tell it to yourself and believe it. I struggle with the same thing every day.
~But you shouldn't have to struggle... Oh, we're both in the same predicament. We're trying to make a case for each other's beauty and we can't even convince ourselves of our own worth.

~We're both drowning and trying to save each other...

At last it became too much. The sky's brightness pained me. Quietly, I curled up and buried my face in my hands.

Softly, let me hear
of the distant future,
so bright it can't be seen,
like a white-sand moon.

This song with its words that I cannot understand, moved me to weep, and I felt as though my tears rained up.

02.18.03 - 4:01 a.m.

	hiiru no tsuki I'll do it. I'll fucking jump. I swear to God. But even as I stand at the edge, peering below at the yawning, dark unknown that could take me down on another path--a path that could give me happiness, I'm still holding on shakily. Skepticism and cover-ups are my lifelines. In recklessness, I make the move to jump; in panic, I pull back, racked in gasps and curses. It seems that I can't be cured of me, after all. ~Am I ugly? I have to be -No.. you're beautiful. Lying stretched across my bed, I stared up from beneath my window at the withered branches splaying across a colourless sky. A little from the blood rushing to my head, more from the song that drenched the room in its poignant sway, I felt hazy, floating... ~I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I'm sure I had another one of those faraway look about me again. ~Hiiru No Tsuki is such a beautiful song. This is the song I'm going to fall in love with. The song, with its words that I could not understand, but it moved me to weep, and I felt as though my tears could rain up. -You make me so happy. ~Then I must be doing something wrong I want to make others happy, but not at the cost of making myself happy. -Why can't you take me seriously? Is it my personality you find childish and incapable of serious thought? What was it in me that could be stirred so much by this song? This serene feeling... tell me, what's the word people use for it? I lay unmoving, even at the sound of the door opening and someone stepping into my room. Such a warm feeling... tell me, what's the name that people give to it? ~It's in the way you seem to hold me in such high esteem... I can't understand it Enveloped in the haziness, I didn't even move to protest when the volume was turned down. Lying there with my hands folded neatly over my chest, doubtless I looked like a corpse to my little brother who stood gazing at me for a moment. A chance for him to speak out his mind and he took it. "You're so weird!" Inside, I laughed. -That's simple. I love you. Because in truth, I'm typical. ~That! I don't understand that! I've always delighted myself with the belief that I'm so profound, so intellectually mature. Emotionally however, I'm so callow. -It's not something to be understood... I could try and articulate the "how's" and "why's", but I don't know that you'd believe me even then. Or that I could do the feelings themselves justice with mere words. I want to believe. I want to walk on water. Levitate by Faith. -Just accept... there -is- someone, somewhere, who loves you deeply and wants nothing so much as to see you happy and content for all of your remaining years. Instead, I am fettered to my fears. ~Change of topic! -Can't handle real human emotions? I'll not speak of them again. What is wrong with me? Wasn't I supposed to be Miss Wild Thing? Free and daring. I had almost finished sorting through the tangle that was my emotions and now-- ~So I can't! So I'm a coward! So what? It's not your concern if I decided that I shouldn't be loved And now, what was this new complication, what's this new monstrosity? ~I don't deserve even your friendship -You do deserve it... you deserve that and much more. But what's the use in my telling you that? You have to tell it to yourself and believe it. I struggle with the same thing every day. ~But you shouldn't have to struggle... Oh, we're both in the same predicament. We're trying to make a case for each other's beauty and we can't even convince ourselves of our own worth. ~We're both drowning and trying to save each other... At last it became too much. The sky's brightness pained me. Quietly, I curled up and buried my face in my hands. Softly, let me hear of the distant future, so bright it can't be seen, like a white-sand moon. This song with its words that I cannot understand, moved me to weep, and I felt as though my tears rained up. 02.18.03 - 4:01 a.m.