three in the morning productions

season's gray

By far this has been the most dreary Christmas. This afternoon I played Risk with Nico and Joy. But they grew tired after the world became overrun by Kareen's black army and it was quite obvious that they weren't going to win. Mostly however I stayed by the computer, though scarcely was anyone on. Because I'm fortunate (or maybe unfortunate) enough to be friendly with non-losers who actually have something to do or somewhere to go on Christmas Eve. I talked to Bill and he's making quite a fuss of this package he's going to send me. He makes me smile. And guilty because I haven't gotten around to making his gift. I don't want to end up just buying things for him--and no, not just because I haven't got the money. I simply like making things for people, that's all. Guilty as well because I haven't gotten presents for anyone in my family and it's a little late in the game to start trying. Christmas has never been this sad or this... non-Christmassy. And I'm afraid that the season is going to hold even less appeal for me as I grow older.

Joy and I have been talking a little bit more. Joy is the equivalent of me--, and yet not. Just as there are four children in my family, so there are four in hers. And in both, the eldest and the youngest are sons, and the daughters are neatly in between. We talked about many things--what it's like being a Pastor's kid and the societal expectations attached with it, as well as the great disparity in Filipino and American cultures.

With the person I've become, I couldn't survive in the Philippines. There reputation is everything. And I would murder my parents with the scandal I'd cause. Joy told me how she kept her relationship with her boyfriend a secret for two years. When her parents found out, her father struck her across the face. "But it was okay", she explained to me upon seeing the horrified expression on my face, "I understand because they're only trying to protect my reputation." Of course, I've had similar experiences with this Filipino Puritanistic standard that my parents still cling to. I brought the EX (when he was not yet known to me as EX) over to watch a movie and I turned off the lights--(I mean, really, how else do ~you~ watch your movies?) But because of it, my father brewed up a storm and asked me if I had no shame. Told me that such lewd behaviour would cause talk among people. And all the while hurling barbs that basically amounted to my being called a whore.

Of course religion was mostly where our discussions tended to. When she began to question me on my faith, I didn't want to put my "unbelievism" forward so bluntly, and I had to try hard for a "kind" explanation. Her faith in God is strong, but so like that of a child's that I was afraid to say anything that would taint something so beautiful. She's just exactly the sort of person you'd want to protect.

Unlike me.

At any rate, I'm getting sleepy so to bed I'll go.

Wake me up to a white Christmas but only if it rains.

12.24.02 - 11:52 p.m.

	season's gray By far this has been the most dreary Christmas. This afternoon I played Risk with Nico and Joy. But they grew tired after the world became overrun by Kareen's black army and it was quite obvious that they weren't going to win. Mostly however I stayed by the computer, though scarcely was anyone on. Because I'm fortunate (or maybe unfortunate) enough to be friendly with non-losers who actually have something to do or somewhere to go on Christmas Eve. I talked to Bill and he's making quite a fuss of this package he's going to send me. He makes me smile. And guilty because I haven't gotten around to making his gift. I don't want to end up just buying things for him--and no, not just because I haven't got the money. I simply like making things for people, that's all. Guilty as well because I haven't gotten presents for anyone in my family and it's a little late in the game to start trying. Christmas has never been this sad or this... non-Christmassy. And I'm afraid that the season is going to hold even less appeal for me as I grow older. Joy and I have been talking a little bit more. Joy is the equivalent of me--, and yet not. Just as there are four children in my family, so there are four in hers. And in both, the eldest and the youngest are sons, and the daughters are neatly in between. We talked about many things--what it's like being a Pastor's kid and the societal expectations attached with it, as well as the great disparity in Filipino and American cultures. With the person I've become, I couldn't survive in the Philippines. There reputation is everything. And I would murder my parents with the scandal I'd cause. Joy told me how she kept her relationship with her boyfriend a secret for two years. When her parents found out, her father struck her across the face. "But it was okay", she explained to me upon seeing the horrified expression on my face, "I understand because they're only trying to protect my reputation." Of course, I've had similar experiences with this Filipino Puritanistic standard that my parents still cling to. I brought the EX (when he was not yet known to me as EX) over to watch a movie and I turned off the lights--(I mean, really, how else do ~you~ watch your movies?) But because of it, my father brewed up a storm and asked me if I had no shame. Told me that such lewd behaviour would cause talk among people. And all the while hurling barbs that basically amounted to my being called a whore. Of course religion was mostly where our discussions tended to. When she began to question me on my faith, I didn't want to put my "unbelievism" forward so bluntly, and I had to try hard for a "kind" explanation. Her faith in God is strong, but so like that of a child's that I was afraid to say anything that would taint something so beautiful. She's just exactly the sort of person you'd want to protect. Unlike me. At any rate, I'm getting sleepy so to bed I'll go. Wake me up to a white Christmas but only if it rains. 12.24.02 - 11:52 p.m.