three in the morning productions

utterly utterly

I just finished watching "Dancer in the Dark." Holy crap. Way to depress myself.

The hopelessness I found in it, the 'death to all dreamers'-- fits with everything I'm feeling right now. But I can hardly compare myself to Selma's character. She was beautiful. And I--I don't even come close.

Selma: "I daydream too much. I've decided to quit."

I've barricaded the door to my room with chairs and locked myself in. Although 'lock' wouldn't be quite the word since my room doesn't have a lock, not after my father broke in so many times before. I don't want to come out, I don't want to look at them, and I don't want anyone to look at me.

It's strange though. Usually I'll have suicidal tendencies but this time... maybe I've become desensitized, or I've stopped considering myself worthy of the effort. I don't care for killing myself anymore. I just want to shut myself away from the world, peek out the windows every now and then and really scare the shit out of kids. I've already got the maniacal laughter down pat.

My parents are having their Christmas party right now. I hope they have fun with their kareoke games and God.

They still have no idea as to where I went that night, and they really didn't ask. They still don't know about NYU either. I didn't tell them. I've stopped telling them things.

Gyah, crikey. They've still somehow managed to barge into my room. What with all the chairs blocking the way, you'd think they'd take a hint. Anyway, seethe later.

12.22.02 - 5:17 p.m.

	utterly utterly I just finished watching "Dancer in the Dark." Holy crap. Way to depress myself. The hopelessness I found in it, the 'death to all dreamers'-- fits with everything I'm feeling right now. But I can hardly compare myself to Selma's character. She was beautiful. And I--I don't even come close. Selma: "I daydream too much. I've decided to quit." I've barricaded the door to my room with chairs and locked myself in. Although 'lock' wouldn't be quite the word since my room doesn't have a lock, not after my father broke in so many times before. I don't want to come out, I don't want to look at them, and I don't want anyone to look at me. It's strange though. Usually I'll have suicidal tendencies but this time... maybe I've become desensitized, or I've stopped considering myself worthy of the effort. I don't care for killing myself anymore. I just want to shut myself away from the world, peek out the windows every now and then and really scare the shit out of kids. I've already got the maniacal laughter down pat. My parents are having their Christmas party right now. I hope they have fun with their kareoke games and God. They still have no idea as to where I went that night, and they really didn't ask. They still don't know about NYU either. I didn't tell them. I've stopped telling them things. Gyah, crikey. They've still somehow managed to barge into my room. What with all the chairs blocking the way, you'd think they'd take a hint. Anyway, seethe later. 12.22.02 - 5:17 p.m.